What Baby Khosi Taught Me

We always knew we wanted kids, but even on our wedding day (October 2003) we debated on what would be the "perfect" timing for our little one to arrive.  We got married so young that we knew that we wanted to spend some time together first- just the two of us, but while Judah told everyone that we would start a family "in about five years," I maintained my strong opinion that a baby should come at around 8 years- and even 10 would be okay.  It wasn't that I didn't WANT kids, it was just that we were so young, and Judah and I had so much fun together!  I was enjoying every minute alone with him.


It wasn't until we moved to Africa in 2006 that I began to feel the twinge of maternal hormones begin to kick in.  Below is a copy of a blog that I wrote sharing with our friends back home of my first thoughts on motherhood.

"I have an announcement to make:

Recently I have been thinking favorably about having children.  I know, I know... those of you who know me closely are reading this again to make sure you read it right.  Yes, you read right.  Although I am not about to dispose of my contraceptive method just yet, I will say that my mind has been bent in such a way I can not explain.

Children... hmmm....

I just realized that the reason I was so opposed to having children in this decade was that I was selfish.  And that was it.  And there can be no selfishness in motherhood no matter when you become one....

The whole baby stage still kind of freaks me out.  I'm still afraid I might break them or something... but once we're past that I think we'd be alright..... Plus, I just know that Jude would be the most amazing Dad, and his "amazing dadness" would far surpass my motherly faults.  :) 

Plus, when Jude was a kid and the teachers used to ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up he'd say "I want to be a dad!"  (For the record, I wanted to be an astronaut.)

How can I let him down?

Okay, well all joking aside, while motherhood is still a faint light in the future for me,  it's ever growing presence, for some reason, is not quite as daunting as it used to be...."

While we were living in Africa, we worked at an orphanage named Baby Haven, which cares for babies, ages birth to two years.  After I wrote this we started to take a couple of the babies out with us when we ran errands.  It was supposed to be so the babies could have a change of scenery and get out of the orphanage, but in the end, it was really way more fun for us than it was for them.

There was one baby that Judah and I both particularly attached ourselves to.  Her name was Khotsatsana (which means Princess in Sotho.)  Khosi was abandoned in a hospital by her mother just days after her birth, and since no state orphanages will take children under the age of two, Khosi was cup fed from the hospital, lying in a cot next to TB patients for the first three months of her life.  By the time she came to Baby Haven at three months old, she had only gained one pound since birth, and she still looked like a newborn.  She got the hang of the bottle VERY quickly, and eagerly made up for the lost time.  


I remember the first time we took Khosi out to the mall with us.  Judah was walking around with her in the snuggly, and I smiled to myself when I noticed how natural he seemed carrying her around like that.  When we stopped for dinner we had to take turns feeding her in between bites of food, and I remember thinking how strange it felt to have to center our meal around a baby.  I thought I would hate it, but I didn't, and that really got me thinking.

We would have adopted Khosi in an instant if been given the chance, but a lack of finances and our status as volunteers in the country made this impossible.  I am happy to say that Khosi is now with a kind family who loves her very much.  Even though we weren't able to adopt her, we are happy to see that she went to live with a family who will treasure her for the rest of her life.  If only every orphan could have a story like Khosi's....

I still think about baby Khosi sometimes, especially when I'm feeling my motherly instincts kick in.  She was the one that first ignited my mother's heart, and for that reason I will always feel a special connection to her. 

So, wherever you are out there Khosi- thanks for letting us love you. 

 *Jude with Khosi and Me with Lydia.

We're Gonna' be Parents!

If you are reading this post then you probably know by now that we are having a baby!  I can scarcely believe it even as I type the words on the screen.  We are going to be parents!!!!!  It still feels so surreal.  I wonder when the glorious realization of it all will finally hit us?  It's amazing that what started with just a little pink line on a pregnancy test is going end with a beautiful baby in our arms!  We are so blessed.


We couldn't be more thrilled to finally know that the baby we have been crying to God for the past few years for, is finally on his or her way!  Many of you know our story, and some or all of the details of our LONG journey to get where we are today.  But many of you don't.


We debated sharing our story with the world.  We went back and fourth about the "delicate intricacies" of living in a society, and evaluated both the benefits and detriments of opening our story.  In the end, we decided to share our baby story- the WHOLE story- with you.  Maybe someday our story will serve as an encouragement to someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation.

^"3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ⁵For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)

"God's purpose in increasing our trials is to sensitize us to people we never would have been able to relate to otherwise." Joni Eareckson Tada

Essay- Princess Kitty and the Queen of the Kingdom

On a total whim last semester I decided to take a Creative Non-Fiction class as an elective.  I knew it would be interesting, but I had no idea that I would enjoy it so much.  The best part about this class was that it required us to write one essay a week, which kept me on my "creative" toes all semester long.  Below is one of the essays I wrote for the class.  For those of you who have had the privilege of meeting Alyssa, this entry should be especially entertaining.

I worked for seven years as a nanny for a little girl named Alyssa.  She was from a wealthy family, so it was not uncommon for her mother to send me to the mall with Alyssa, a credit card, and implicit instructions to purchase a season’s worth of clothes for the little girl.  I was then directed to finish our visit to the mall with a stop at the “Build a Bear” store, so Alyssa could build and dress the stuffed animal of her choosing.  Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed my job.

I will never forget our first visit to the exciting teddy bear shop.  Naturally, I assumed she’d choose the fluffiest bear, and dress it in soft, colorful pajamas, creating a bear suitable for nighttime snuggling.  I could not have been more wrong.  Alyssa made a bee line over to the stuffed animals and immediately reached for a giant, purple cat.  It seemed like an absurd choice- the cat was so large that she struggled to carry it in her arms and its massive eyes and long eye lashes made it look like it had just walked off the set of a sci-fi movie.  I tried in vain to tempt her with a fluffy, white teddy bear.  “Alyssa, look how cute this one is!”  She would not have any of my suggestions, so we took the giant, purple cat to the dressing area. 

We walked slowly through the clothing isles, and Alyssa’s eyes widened as she searched for the perfect outfit with which to clothe her new, naked pet.  I pointed out multiple sets of snuggly pajamas and sweat suits, but none of my choices made the cut.  Suddenly Alyssa started hopping in place and yelling “This one!  This one!”  I followed her tiny finger to an outfit hanging on a high hanger.  I cringed.  It was a bubble gum pink, frilly princess dress.  It was made out of synthetic crape fabric that was sewn in layers over the skirt. The bottom flew out in the typical “princess puff,” and the dress was complete with tiny, rosettes sewn in between the folds.  As was trying to visualize Alyssa that evening, tucked in her bed, and cuddling this giant cat with a prickly dress, one of the store employees came over to take the dress down from the wall. Alyssa slowly and meticulously dressed her new kitty- first the pink princess underwear, then the fluffy pink dress, complete with hard, sparkly pink shoes, and finally, pink bows for the kitty’s ears.  I had never seen anything so hideous in my life. 

Alyssa thought it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.  She named her “Princess Kitty.”

Over the next two years, Alyssa created duplicates of the exact same cat every time we went into that store.  Sure, there were slight variations- now a pink cat, with a purple dress- then a white cat with a pink and white dress- but ultimately, we ended up with four or five versions of the original “Princess Kitty.”

I often think about Alyssa’s seemingly innate preoccupation with Princesses.  On rainy days we watched Disney Princess movies and television shows about Barbie princess fairies, and Alyssa loved to play dress up in fluffy princess costumes, sparkly makeup, and plastic jewelry.  Even when challenged with a better option, or a newer idea, Alyssa always reverted to the most “royal” choice.  I attributed her fixation to Disney movies or bedtime stories, but I often wonder if there wasn’t something more natural in her desire. Why do all little girls want to be Princesses, and where did this preoccupation begin? 

Perhaps the idea originates with the simple act of telling our children fairy tales?  Certainly every little girl knows the stories of Cinderella and Snow White.  No one would argue that Disney has a monopoly on the “princess” brand, and their version of the popular fairy tales are the most well known.  Mr. Disney was creative and savvy when creating his own version of the fairy tale world by upping the moral aspects of the original tales as written by the Grimm brothers.  He also extracted elements of the tale that might be frightening to young children, and filled these holes with new and exciting characters such as talking animals and fairy godmothers.  All of this, combined with a brilliant mix of song and colorful animation, Disney created a perfect recipe for whimsical success.

However, even considering Disney’s attempts to infuse Grimm’s original tales with a double dose of morality, the occasional, negative message may slip subtly through the fairy-world cracks. It is inevitable that a child will find these cracks, no matter how small they may be. 

Case and point: one rainy day, after watching The Little Mermaid over a snack of goldfish and apple juice I asked Alyssa what she wanted to be when she grew up.  Without hesitating she replied confidently, “The Queen.”  “The Queen of what?”  I asked her, smiling at her seemingly random response.  She looked at me with a puzzled look and dramatically responded “The Queen of the kingdom!”  I stifled a giggle, “Why, Alyssa?  Why the Queen?”  She turned to me, now obviously exasperated by my ignorance “Because then I can tell everyone what to do, and they’ll have to listen to me.”

Alyssa had found the crack in her fairytale kingdom.