The Perception Box

A lot of people have perceptions about me.  Just like I'm sure I have perceptions about them.  For years I had it in my head that everyone- for the most part- saw you the same way.  Your most prominent characteristics are the loudest, and the more you get to know people, the more they see and appreciate (or don't appreciate!) the subtle nuances of your personality as well.  I'm learning lately that perception is in fact, infinitely more complicated than this.  

Here's an example.  I took my first trip home to Boston with Solomon a few months after he was born.  I was really excited to introduce him to my close friends and family- people who have known and loved me and Judah for so long.  I loved seeing my friends take pictures with Solly, and coo over how "adorable he was," and it made me so happy to see my family embracing a new little one into our "clan."  But one thing surprised me.  Everyone kept saying about "how weird it was to see me as a mom."  About how it was just so "strange" to see me with a baby because they "never really pictured me as a mom before."  I didn't take this to heart- I knew what they meant.  I've always been adventurous and free-spirited, so I assumed they were just reacting to how strange it was to see me reacting so maturely to such responsibility.  

Flash forward a few months and I'm back in Mobile taking a drive with a close friend.  Solomon was in the backseat napping, and for some reason we got talking about motherhood (my friend was pregnant at the time) and I told her about the interesting reactions I got from friends and family that firs time I took Solomon home.  My friend was shocked, "Really?  Oh my gosh, that is so strange because I can't picture you as anything BUT a Mom!  I mean honestly- you're such a... MOM!"  I was surprised by what she said, and I was even more surprised about how good it made me feel.  Not just because she was positively affirming this HUGE new season of my life, but because I felt like she was right, and it was so nice to hear that she noticed this part of my character, too. 

I started thinking about perception and how it effects the choices in our lives.  In Boston, my friends and family have a perception of me that I am adventurous, flighty, passionate, intense - and my friends here in Alabama perceive me as responsible, nurturing, creative, informed.  Is one more true than the other?  Is one more REAL than the other?  Not at all!  But I do believe that as you grow and change the characteristics about yourself that are not the most "in demand" for the season you are in take a back seat.  Am I still adventurous?  You bet ya, but it's more important for me to be responsible right now so my adventurous nature has to find more "responsible" ways to come out.  Unfortunately, people's perceptions are hard to change, and they don't often grow as you grow.  (especially if you move to a different state!)  Occasionally you'll find that one friend or family member (other than your spouse) who really "gets" you and ALL the aspects of your character, but most of the time, it's pretty difficult to change people's ideas about "who you are."

Here's my point of saying all of this.  Don't let other people's perceptions of you hijack your life.  Don't make decisions based on what other people think you should or will do, and don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that you are ONLY (fill in the blank) because that's how others perceive you.  Doing this is a dangerous road because once your life season changes- and it WILL change- and it's time for that talent or characteristic to take a back seat, you will be left completely clueless of who you really are.

This happened to me with music.  Other's perceptions of me and my own ideas of identity were so wrapped up in my music that when the season came for music to take a backseat- I didn't know who I was anymore.  It took me a long time to break free from that perception, not just that others had of me, but that I had of myself.  I had to release this "idea" I had of myself, and let God show me that even if I never sang another note- I was valuable.  I have learned- and I am continuing to learn- that there is so much more beauty inside of me than just music.  I have talents that I haven't even developed yet because I have been so busy fixating only on one thing.  I didn't even realize that I was limiting myself and ignoring other areas where I could really find success.

I never thought that I was book smart.  It wasn't that anyone TOLD me that I wasn't- it was just that somewhere along the line, I got in my head that I wasn't really the "education" type and I probably wouldn't do well in an intellectual setting.  Well, maybe it was God pushing me forward, maybe it was an inner drive to prove myself wrong, or maybe it was just that I didn't want to be the only one in my family without a college degree, but I went to college.  I somehow managed to squish four years of school in two years, and I graduated with departmental honors, and a 4.0.  It is one of my proudest accomplishments, and I NEVER would have even ATTEMPTED it if I hadn't first let go of the "perceptions" I had about myself.  I wasn't allowing God to open the door to something new.

If you know me, you know that my point is not to "pat myself on the back" here.  It really is just to share some encouragement, and drive this point home- Don't let other people's perceptions of you- or your own perceptions of yourself- hijack your life!  You are probably stronger than you think you are, and you can accomplished more than you think you can.  Let yourself out of the box- release control- and say, "Ok God- now what?"

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." - Isaiah 55:8

Lonely Days and Seizing the Season

I told myself I would get better about blogging.  Not just because I enjoy writing, and I always feel better if I take the time to pound some words onto my keyboard.  But also because right now- in this season of my life- it's an essential lifeline to the outside world- to civilization- to adult conversation.  Everyone told me how fantastic it was to be a mother (and they were SO right!), but no one told me how incredibly LONELY it can be at times!  Solomon naps two times a day, so unless I schedule an activity or a play date for the 2.5 hours between nap #1, lunch, and nap #2, I'm essentially stranded here in Lonelyville.  There are days when I really don't mind- when the weather is beautiful and we go for a walk or a bike ride around the neighborhood, or when I'm so busy with my stay at home job, housework, or crafts that the time just flies by.  But then there are days when there are no tasks in my queue for work, the weather is horrible, the laundry is done, and the house is clean.  Days like today, when I find myself secretly excited that my coffee got ruined because it gives me an excuse to run to Starbucks after Solomon wakes up.  

The funny thing is- I wouldn't trade this season of life for anything in the entire world.  Even when I look back on my busy, social, and spontaneous life before I became a Mom, I don't feel a twinge of desire or sadness for what I have "lost."  I think it's because in return, I have gained so much, and I am daily aware of what a gift I have been given and how quickly this time will pass away.  I knew it even in the hospital- 24 hours after Solomon was born.  Judah had run out quickly to pick up some "non-hospital food" for dinner, and when he came back I was sitting in bed, Solomon in my arms, staring at his little face with tears in my eyes.  Judah looked shocked, "What happened!?  I was gone- like- ten minutes!"  I looked at the clock- and in the moment, I swear I could hear each second tick by like it was a bomb about to explode, "This is it!  He's 24 hours old, RIGHT NOW!  He's only going to be one day old ONCE and it's happening right now!  The moments are passing and I can't stop it!"  In that moment I thought I would feel that way forever- upset about the minutes passing- about him getting old.  There are days that it still brings tears to my eyes, but instead, I have learned that I can make each minute ticking by really count.  I can make memories. I can CHOOSE to really LIVE each moment with my son.  

Before you think I'm trying to act all "Supermom" let me just say- there are definitely times when I count the minutes until the next naptime or until I hear Judah's keys opening the front door- but I do my best to let those days be few and far between.  One thing I am acutely aware of is human nature's ability to let time pass by without a thought- filled with "things," but empty of "moments."

So, I'm embracing this season.  Lonely days and all.  And someday, when my house is empty, and I am busy embracing a different kind of season, I'll have the memories from this one to keep me company.