Clark Baby Top Ten!!

Since we just posted our news on FB I thought I'd post a quick blog answering the most commonly asked questions:


1.  How far along are you?  
Six and a half weeks as of today!


2.  When are you due?  
March 19th, 2011


3.  Were you trying or was it a surprise?  
We were trying, but it was still kind of a surprise. :)  If you're interested, you can read more of this blog if you want to find our more details about this.


4.  Are you going to move back to Boston now?  
While we don't know what plans God has in our future, our plan right now is to stay in Alabama for at least 2 and a half more years.


5.  Are you going to be able to graduate college before the baby comes?  
YES!  I graduate on December 18th, and the baby will come three months later!!!!  Only God could have planned such perfect timing. :)


6.  Would you rather a boy or a girl?  
WE DON'T CARE ONE BIT! :)  We are so excited to finally be pregnant that we both honestly don't have a preference.  Either is great!


7.  Are you going to find out the gender?  
Most likely we will find out the gender, but we have a really fun plan of how we are going to find out and also tell our friends and family.  More on this later!


8.  What names do you like?  
Sorry guys, but because we are not going to be surprised by gender, we aren't sharing ANY of our name ideas, and we plan to keep the baby's name secret until after his/her birth.  However, we are open to name suggestions!!!!!


9.  How are you feeling?  
I'm doing alright.  Definitely feeling the "weight" of pregnancy on my body (no pun intended!) but the joy of knowing that we have a little baby on the way outweighs the struggle.  (on most days anyway! *wink )  And Judah is having sympathy pains already in the form of heartburn. :)


10.  Are you having any weird cravings yet?  
Um.... not really, although I do tend to get a certain food item in my head and can't stop thinking about it until I get it.  For example- yesterday it was chicken nuggets from McDonalds, last week it was scrambled eggs, and a couple weeks ago it was a chicken salad sandwich.


.....and one more for good measure!


11.  What is Judah thinking/feeling about everything?  
He's super excited!!!!  That's an understatement actually.  I'll have to have him write a post for himself soon.  But he's been praying for "the bean" every day, and he also has become my person chef/nutritionist! (more on this later!)

Week Four Belly Pic

Four week belly pic... although you can't tell much except for that my jeans are a little tighter than usual. :)  

Sharing the News With Our Family!

We were so excited to share our news with our family- unfortunately, other than Judah's parents- we had to tell everyone via telephone or skype.  However, we managed to record each reaction so that when our baby grows up, he/she will always know how much they were wanted and loved, even from the very beginning. 

Here is a video we made of our family's reaction to our news!

The Story of How it All Went Down!

On Sunday, July 4th, about six days before the end of our two week wait, the pastor at our church preached a sermon about family.  In the middle of the sermon, he spoke briefly about infertility, and he said that he wanted to say a prayer for all the couples in the church who weren't able to have kids on their own.  I bit my lip and held back my tears as we agreed with pastor in a general prayer over the congregation.  I didn't know this at the time, but Judah later told me that it was during this prayer that he felt God clearly speak to him and tell him that "it's been done."  Judah left in peace, choosing to believe God's word that we were already pregnant.  That night, he asked me if I could take a pregnancy test and I told him that if I did, it was too early and it wouldn't show up even if I was. What I didn't tell him was that I had already taken a test, and it had been negative.


At this point, I was already beginning to feel strange... I woke up the next morning thinking that maybe I actually was pregnant, but I forced myself to dismiss the thought right away, especially considering yesterday's negative test.  I was desperate not to have my hopes dashed again.  That day we met Judah's sister Gabby for a late lunch at a local sushi restaurant.  On our way out of the restaurant I noticed that there was a Dollar General in the same plaza and I told Jude and Gab that I was going to run in there to get a couple of things.  Really, I just wanted to get a couple of $2 pregnancy tests just in case I needed them later on in the week.  (*note- for those of you looking to have children- buy your pregnancy tests at the Dollar General or the Dollar Tree.  You could end up in the poor house if you buy them all from the pharmacy!)

 Jude and I having sushi with Gab the day we found out we were pregnant!

Later that evening Judah decided that he wanted to try his hand at making raviolis and pasta from scratch.  (For those of you that don't know- Jude is turning into quite the chef, and is even starting culinary school in the fall!) 

Jude and his six hour pasta experience.  This is what he was doing when I was in the other room freaking out. 

 I was in the office desperately trying to finish up some math homework.  A couple hours into my homework I took a break to go to the bathroom, and I had a thought that I should just take another test.  "Why not," I said to myself.  I opened the box of generic "early results" tests that I had splurged on at the Dollar Store.  I was already annoyed at myself for wasting a test while I sat around waiting the two minutes it takes for the test to turn.  But low and behold, when the two minutes had passed, I looked and saw a very, very faint line.  


I freaked out.  I was talking to myself at this point going back and forth between "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh!"  and "Okay Asheley, calm down, it's probably nothing.  The line is SO faint... just relax."  I brought it to the brightest lamp I could find.  Yep.  There it was.  For the first time in my life- THERE WAS A LINE!

Our very first positive pregnancy test!

(Look closely... it's there)

I didn't know what to do because I still wasn't 100% sure that I was actually pregnant.  I wanted to call my friend Amanda who used to work at an OBGYN, and knows basically everything there is to know about this kind of stuff, but I didn't because I knew that if I WAS pregnant, I didn't want Amanda to find out before Judah.  So I told myself, I'll just wait until tomorrow morning, and then call the doctor and have a test done.  If it's positive, then I'll tell Judah.  I really didn't want to tell him that I was pregnant, and then have it turn out that I wasn't.  I knew he'd be heartbroken. 


I tried to go back to my homework, but I was completely unsuccessful at getting anything accomplished.  I just kept thinking about that test and wondering if I was REALLY pregnant!  I found some excuse to run out to Walgreens so that I could pick up another test (we were out of printer paper or something).  This time I got one that was a trusted name brand (the test not the printer paper)- thinking that there was no way that TWO tests could be wrong.


Before I left I drank an unsightly amount of water and once I came back, I went in and took the test right away.  I couldn't believe my eyes- another faint, blue line!

Test number two!  Can't see the line as well in the picture, but it's there!

                                      
At this point I was still deciding if I was going to tell Judah tonight, or wait until the doctor confirmed it the next day.  As it turned out, my face couldn't keep a secret.  Judah came in the office to ask me something and I turned around in the desk chair with a big smile on my face.  He stopped mid-sentence and asked- "what?" I just couldn't hold it in. 


A- "I think I'm pregnant...."
J-  "Wait.... what!?  Are you being serious?  How do you know!?"
A- "Well, I took two tests and they were both positive, but the line was really really faint...."
J-  (Jude had to sit down at this point.  He felt his way to one of the small tables and sat down.)  "But how do you KNOW?  Are you SURE??"
A- "Well, I'm not sure... but Amanda told me that you don't really get false positives on a pregnancy test so..."
J-  "But you are sure that it's positive?"
A- "Yeah- I mean it's faint but.... just come look."


I took him to the bathroom and showed him both tests.  He agreed that there was a line, but said that he was still skeptical because it was so faint and he didn't know how these things worked. I agreed.

Judah inspecting the tests. 

After inspecting the tests himself he turned to me and said "Call Amanda.  Maybe she'll know."  So, I gave her a ring and she didn't pick up so I sent her a 911 text.  She called back right away.  I picked up and said "So... I think I'm pregnant."  She yelled into the phone "YOU ARE!  I KNOW IT!"  I told her that I wasn't sure though and explained about how faint the lines were on the tests.  She reiterated to me again that we could not get a false positive, but I was still skeptical.  Finally, in a last ditch effort to convince me she said, "Asheley, I am your best friend, and I know what you have been through. I would not be telling you this if it was not 100% true.  YOU ARE PREGNANT!"  


That's when I started crying and through my tears I said to her, "I am!?"  Now Amanda was crying and she said "Yeah!"  I ran into the kitchen where Judah was trying, unsuccessfully, to finish up his pasta which was now covering our countertops.  "Amanda says we're pregnant!" Jude turned to me and saw my tears and started crying himself, "Really!?"  "Yeah!"  I said.  And then we cried, and hugged and laughed, and at some point I hung up the phone on Amanda, who had apparently been talking all along. (I called her back later in the evening.)

Judah's "happy daddy" face.  

            

 Not a very good picture of us because we had been crying, but it's beautiful all the same.

The next day I called my doctor as soon as I got up and told them that I thought that I was pregnant. They asked if I wanted to come in to test that afternoon.  Of course I did!  At three o'clock I drove to the doctors office and gave some blood, then I had to wait the two hours it would take for the test results to come in.  That two hour wait was torture for me and for Judah, who kept texting me every 15 minutes asking if the nurse had called yet.  At 5:30 the nurse finally called me back. 


N- "Hi I'd like to speak with Asheley."
A- "This is her."
N- "I heard you called today with some questions?"  (I didn't realize it then but she was kind of playing with me at this point.)
A- "Well, yeah. I mean, I came to have a blood test done to find out if I'm pregnant."
N- "Oh. Okay. Um.  Can you tell me when the date was for your last period."
I gave her the date.  I wasn't sure what she was getting at.
N- "Okay, so this means that you are only about three and a half weeks along now..."
I cut her off. 
A- "Wait.  I'm sorry.  But are you telling me that I'm pregnant!?"
N- "YES!  You are definitely pregnant!"
A- "OH. MY. GOSH!!!!!!!!  I'M SO EXCITED! THANK YOU SO MUCH! WOW!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT....."


And so on and so forth.... I think I might have made that nurse's day because I could tell she was really excited, too. She works at an infertility clinic, so its probably not every day that she gets to make a phone call like mine.


She told me that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were low, at only 20, but that it was expected considering I was still not even four weeks pregnant.  Apparently, less than 5% of the population finds out they are pregnant as early on as we did.  She asked me to come back in on Friday to re-test.  On Friday, my numbers had increased to 140, and by the following Tuesday they were already at 1020!  The nurse told us that everything looked great, and that our numbers pointed to a very healthy baby, and we scheduled our first ultrasound for July 28th, after which, the fertility clinic would release me to my regular OBGYN.


I will never forget these days and the relief, and gratefulness to God that we felt on that first night.  It was truly a miracle!  And in true Clark/Dougherty fashion, we celebrated with a bowl of Judah's incredible homemade raviolis!  

The End of Chapter One

Before I conclude this chapter of our story and move on to the next, I just want to clarify that we are by no means attempting to compare our story with that of all couples who deal with infertility.  We fully realize that for most couples,  having an ending to their story such as ours would be a dream come true.  Our purpose in sharing our story with you was to shed some light on a topic which, because of it's personal nature, is often overlooked or misunderstood. Hopefully, in sharing the details of our story, we were able to bring a greater understanding to people about how life changing and difficult infertility can be.  

Also, it is our hope that other people will find encouragement in our story to stay strong, and continue fighting for the things that they believe in and love.  God's grace is enough for us no matter what type of struggle we may face.  Even in our darkest moments, we are never alone.  

Maybe you are reading this and you know someone who is facing infertility problems.  We have noticed that most people often have a hard time knowing what to say to friends and loved ones who are struggling in this area.  Not all couples will be the same, but there were a few things that helped us along our journey.

Pray for your friends.  Don't just tell them that you are going to "pray for them".  REALLY pray for them.  Pray that God will give them a family in his perfect timing, and in his perfect way.  The Bible gives many beautiful verses on prayer, but this one is among my favorites:

James 5:16- "The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."

But don't be surprised if God answers your prayer in a different way than you expect!  There are many ways to make a family, and God often chooses to grow families through the means of adoption, or possibly, by way of scientific intervention.  After all, He is the only one who can see the "big picture," and only He knows the perfect child for each family.  It is important for your friend/family member to feel loved and supported in whatever decision they choose for themselves, so guard yourself against judging couples who might choose an option that goes against your own moral and religious code.  

Be sensitive to your friend.  I am not suggesting that you walk on eggshells when you are around them, or treat them any differently than others, but be sensitive to the fact that some situations might be a little hard on them.  For example (this was not my personal experience) but I have heard of some women, who, after battling years of infertility, decided to stop attending baby showers because it was just too painful for them.  Being supportive and understanding in situations like this can go a long way.  

Lastly, if it is a very close friend or relative who is dealing with infertility, don't ignore the problem.  Many people do this because they don't know what to say and they don't want to say the wrong thing.  However, what they don't realize is that ignoring the situation can sometimes be very hurtful.  You shouldn't bring it up on a regular basis, but a random encouraging card, or occasional reminder that you are still praying for them can mean the world to a couple who is walking such a painful journey.  These simple things can help to remind them that they are not alone.

Romans 12:15- "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep."

A Song For Our Baby

Way back, sometime around 2007 when we first started trying for a child, I wrote this phrase in a creative writing class about me and my future child.

"I see you close, yet so far away like we're touching hands through a foggy haze."

I had no idea then how true this would prove to be in my life in the years to come.  One night I was sitting in the living room, thinking and praying about this situation and I started to cry.  I pulled out this phrase from so many years ago, and used it as a chorus in a song.  It just felt so appropriate.  I continued to write, and let my feelings and tears pore on the page. This is what came of it:

(Currently Untitled)

You were, in my dreams last,

Like a butterfly on first flight,

You came to me, sang to me sweetly.

And I saw, in your fragile hand,

A thorny rose, I could not understand,

The bitter sweet, beautiful tragedy.

And I see you close,

Yet so far away,

Like we’re touching hands,

Through a foggy haze,

Know that I’ll flight for you,

If it’s all I can do.

Sunlight, streaming on my face,

I’m in your room, in the empty place,

Where you should be, lying beside me.

Silence, as the moments pass by,

But I hear your voice, in the halls of my mind,

I know that you’re out there, waiting somewhere.


And I see you close,
Yet so far away,

Like we’re touching hands,

Through a foggy haze,

Know that I’ll flight for you,

If it’s all I can do.

One thing that really struck me during our whole journey was that I knew that we needed to fight for our future children.  I knew that if we sat back, and didn't keep researching, didn't keep asking questions, didn't keep pushing, that years would pass and we would still be alone.  We had the choice- fight or flight.  We decided that we would fight.  

I have learned through this process that God often allows struggles in our lives so that He can mold us and grow us through that fight- like a butterfly struggling to make his way out of his cocoon.  It's never easy, and unfortunately there are so many "name it and claim it" Christians out there who are preaching that once you come to Christ that "chocolate covered rain drops will just come falling out of the sky" on them.  In truth, that's not the Christianity that Jesus taught at all. He didn't call us to religion- to a list of "do's and dont's" or to follow a system of "if you do this, then this will happen."  He calls us to be "Christ LIKE."  If you ask me, this is NO easy task.

But the best part about choosing to be a disciple of Christ is that you know that you are never alone.  And even when you might feel that God is SO far away- He's not.  In fact, the Bible says that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:18)  I am not going to lie.  I had to remind myself of this fact on many occasions.  It's easy to feel alone when you are battling with something that feels so huge.  If you find yourself in a situation where you feel overwhelmed by a mountain that is too large to cross, my best advice to you is take a deep breath.  Gather your courage.  And fight. And remember that no matter how you feel you are never alone.

Two weeks and three days after I wrote this song, a tiny pink line signaled to us that this long fought battle was finally over.

The Raw Reality of Infertility

Back in December, when we first heard the news about what we thought was devastating infertility, I wrote a little essay about the way I was feeling.  I just needed a place to unleash my thoughts and really tell God exactly what I was feeling.  It ended up being very raw and real and for that reason I debated if I was going to share it with you at all.  But in the end, I decided to share it because I think that it's important for people to understand how devastating infertility can be.  


Because infertility is generally such a personal thing, and most people understandably choose not to share their story with the world, I think there can often be a lack of knowledge which can sometimes result in an insensitivity toward infertile couples.  CDC statistics show that up to twelve percent of couples in the United States struggle with infertility problems.  That's about 7.3 million couples, which is surprisingly more than most people realize.  Chances are, someone you know, or possibly someone you are close to is struggling with this right now.  Maybe my essay can help you better understand what they might be going through. 

I've been avoiding this essay like the plague for some time now. I don't want to write it. It's heart breaking to think about. We just found out that there is a good chance we won't be able to have kids-- at least without medical intervention. It's not me, it's my husband. Not that that matters one single bit. It could have just as easily been me. 

But there it is. The ugly fact- staring blankly at me on the screen- in hideous black and white. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be the one who would care so much either. I was always the one who said I would adopt all my babies. But now- at 27, almost 28 years old... it matters.

I want to see my reflection in my child. And to see my husband in their little face. I want to say "oh- you did that just like your father", or "wow, you look so much like your grandmother." But there is no guarantee of this.... Regardless of the possibility that medical science opens to us, there is no guarantee. I know that I have to let this go.

Infertility is an ugly black monster that lives in your house. It's the black hole of sadness that sucks joy out of your home in the moments when you aren't aware. It's the silence in the middle of the night- the heartbreaking silence. And it's the unspoken deep, deep turmoil that you can see in your spouses eyes- every second of every day... even when your laughing. It's still there.

It's the thing that steals your hope every month. Over and over and over again- until there is no more hope- and you become afraid to hope. Afraid to dream. And the worst part of it all is the heart-wrenching loneliness.....

I had to stop for a moment when I wrote that because I was trying to search for a better word to describe the loneliness infertility brings. There are no words to describe the depth of it. It's just.... so... empty.

The worst part about infertility is that no one can understand what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. No one. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to see all my friends and family members get pregnant at the drop of a hat- the first time they try! And they're so excited- and deep inside I am excited for them- I wouldn't wish this fate on my greatest enemy. But on the surface- it stings to see families grow, to smell the precious scent of a friend's newborn baby, and listen to stories of finger paint on the wall, and of sunny days in the park.

It stings because I don't understand why our family can't grow too? Why not us? God, why? What's wrong with us? Why can't I have finger painted walls and sunny days in the park?

I know anyone reading this who has any clue about infertility would tell us "you can adopt!" or "you can do IVF or try an IUI!" Or, the more "christianeese" answer would be "God can do a miracle!"

Sure. These are true. But my answer to all of the above is that it's NOT that easy. All of the above require a long list of hoops to jump through before we even get the possibility any results. And that's not a guarantee. We need money- and lots of it- to do any of these things. But it doesn't take money to get pregnant naturally.  It doesn't take months of painful injections and hormone treatments.  It doesn't take legal paperwork. It doesn't take months of waiting to find out if a birth mother will change her mind and come and take your baby away...

And as far as the "miracle" comment. I do know that God COULD do a miracle. I do know that. After all, He's God. But I can't help feeling like He left me. Like He doesn't see me. Like He doesn't see my tears. Even thought I know it's not true, I can't help feeling... alone..

Please, God. Look at us! See us! HELP! Daddy... please....

Two Week Wait Begins

The doctor recommended that before he performed any invasive tests on me I should take three months of a fertility drug called Clomid which would help to regulate my cycle and trigger a stronger ovulation.  He recommended that we continue trying on our own, and track my fertile days with a basal body temperature chart, and the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor (which I had already been using.)  If, after three months, we were still not pregnant, then the doctor would perform investigative surgery on me to see if he could find the source of the problem.  

I would say that at this time we were cautiously optimistic.  We wanted to be positive about the opportunity and possibility this new treatment could bring, but we also didn't want to get our hopes up too high, only to have them dashed down again like had happened so many times in the past.  I had to wait almost a month before I could start my new medicine, so by the time I drove up to the pharmacy to pick them up, I was ready to pop those pills immediately- no matter the side effects.  

The first month of pills would be a low dose- only 50mgs- and each month it was supposed to increase until it was 150mgs per month.  There was a part of me that wanted to start at 100 or 150mgs right away, just to increase my chances even further.  Plus, 50mgs just seems like such a small thing.  I looked at the five little pills in my hand and laughed to myself.  Could it be that these five little pills are going to be the thing which helps to build a bridge between us and our future children?

The two weeks that you have to wait before you can find out if you are pregnant is torture.  And I think it's even worse for people who are undergoing fertility treatments or medication because it just feels like there is so much at risk.  I had had so many failed "two week waits" in my life that by this point, I refused to let myself get too excited.  I didn't want to sink into a two day depression if it turned out that I wasn't pregnant.

But I did let myself slip in one area.  My parents had given me an Amazon gift card for my birthday a few weeks before.  I was browsing online, thinking about what I might want to get, when I came across some pregnancy items that I knew that I wanted to purchase should I get pregnant someday.  Without thinking, I filled my Amazon shopping cart with pregnancy books, a pregnancy exercise video, and a set of baby belly bands.  I didn't purchase any of them, but I saved them in my cart, and told myself that I'd decide what to do with them in two weeks. 

Finally- Answers From Doctor Number Four

We were determined to have a family.  We knew that one way or another, God would make a way for us and so we just kept trusting that He had a plan for our lives and for our family.  After weeks of prayer and research, we found a doctor who was willing to do IVF for us at half the cost.  Also, it was very important for us to find a doctor who would be willing to only create the exact number of embryos that he would implant.  We did not want to be faced with the ethical dilemma about having to freeze any left over embryos, and so it was really important to us that if we did choose to pursue IVF, that the doctor who we worked with was sensitive to our concerns.  We spoke with the doctor and he ensured us that he would be happy to work within the bounds of what we were comfortable with doing.  We were so relieved!  Although we still weren't really excited about the idea of having to do IVF, we were at peace with our decision to move ahead, and we were so happy to be finally moving towards our goal of having a family.


We set the tentative date with the procedure for the month of May.  We still weren't sure how we were going to pay for the treatment, even at the adjusted rate, but we knew that if this was what God wanted for us, He would provide.  We just kept praying that His will would be done.


In speaking with our new doctor, he recommended that Judah have one more test done, just to make sure that IVF really was our only option.  Jude started pumping up on vitamins, exercising, and even lowering his caffeine intake, and we scheduled a second test for a few weeks later.  We were praying and praying that the results would be improved so that we would have more fertility options open to us and we wouldn't have to do IVF after all.  


Thankfully, the test results came back a lot quicker this time around, and we were incredibly relieved to see a large improvement!!  We sent the new results to our doctor who told us that he would recommend that we put off IVF for a little bit and try a couple of rounds of IUI instead.  We were so excited about this possibility, and we thanked God for such an incredible and drastic change in our prognosis.  At this point we decided to put everything on hold just for three more months while we waited for our insurance to kick in so we could finally meet with a local fertility specialist.  The third week in May was our first appointment and it couldn't come fast enough.


We loved our doctor right away.  He was calm and understanding and spent a few minutes getting to know us a little more before we "got down to business."  Finally, he picked up our chart, flipped through a few pages, turned to Judah and said, "Well... the good news is that there isn't anything wrong with YOU."  We were both completely shocked, yet both smiling from ear to ear, "Wait, wait. What?  That doesn't make any sense.  THREE doctors looked at those tests and all they all told us that we had a serious problem with Judah's sperm quality?"  The doctor smiled and then patiently explained his reasoning to us in detail. 


"You had your test done here at our clinic.  Other doctors don't know how to read our tests because they are much more specific and complicated than any hospital test.  Our head technician has her PhD in sperm and by looking at your results right now, I can honestly tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, I rarely see numbers from our lab as high as yours.  Judah is not the problem."


We let out a sigh of relief- one that we felt like we'd been holding in for the past six months.


Now the doctor shifted his attention to me.  "So, unfortunately that means..."  I finished his sentence, "that the problem is with me."  He smiled understandably, "Yes, but, we are going to figure out what the problem is and do whatever we can to fix it!"  His optimism was catchy.


We discussed all of our options, and left that day with a new treatment plan, renewed hope, and excitement in our hearts about what the next few months could bring.

Searching for Answers- Finding Roadblocks

We did not have 12 thousand dollars, and with me in school full time, I could not even imagine when we would possibly have this much money to invest in a treatment that wasn't even a guarantee.  We also battled with ethical concerns about the process of IVF, and we had some worries about the harsh toll it would take on my body.  We wanted to make certain that we did all of our research before we made any definite decisions.


I researched domestic and international adoption.  Whenever I asked about the average price and time on an adoption, the answer rarely varied, "It's at least a year from your completed home study, and it will cost you at least 20 thousand dollars."  Some international agencies even went up to 35K!  I was appalled and heart broken at the same time.  Twenty thousand dollars???? Where in the world is all that money going to?  How could it cost so much just to match an orphan with a loving home?


While doing our research we also looked into embryo adoption. (This is basically when other couples do IVF and they have embryo's left over, they will sometimes donate them to other families who can't have children of their own.)  This seemed like a very real option for us because we were open to adoption, but we also wanted to have the experience of pregnancy, and we also loved the idea of being able to protect our baby from the womb.  The cost of an embryo adoption was only around 4K, which we felt was a lot more plausible for us to come up with compared to the 12K that it would cost for IVF or 20K+ for an adoption.  I started to call local clinics to find out if they had any embryo's available for adoption, and the responses were always either "We don't have any embryos available," or "We only adopt our embryos out to families who have undergone at least one round of IVF."  I grew more and more frustrated with every call, by the time I got to the last clinic and the nurse on the phone gave me her version of "response number two," I couldn't take it any more.  I almost cried into the phone when I said to her "So, basically you are telling me that we can't have children unless we have at least 12 thousand dollars."  I think I caught the nurse off guard because she never replied to my question, she just squeaked out a half hearted "I'm sorry."  I somehow managed a "thank you for your time" before I slammed down the phone and burst into tears.


It felt like a death sentence for our family, and we felt as if we were completely boxed in with no real tangible options open to us, at least in the foreseeable future.  We couldn't get pregnant on our own, we couldn't afford IVF, we couldn't afford adoption, and we couldn't find any available embryos for an embryo adoption.  We wanted children desperately and this cycle of roadblocks was so maddening.  We tried to comfort ourselves in the hope that, with the job that I could get after I graduated, we would be able to save enough for one of the above options, but, in reality, these dreams seemed so far away and we were ready for children yesterday.


December of 2009 was absolutely miserable for both of us.  There were days when I felt like a zombie walking around- completely in a daze- unable to think of anything else except for the family that I couldn't have and the children that were just beyond my reach.  I know that Judah felt the same thing.  There was this tangible uncertainty between us where our future as a family hung so delicately in front of our eyes.  We were afraid to hope for fear that everything would come crashing down again and so we tiptoed in the quiet loneliness of our house, refusing to talk about children or our plans for the future.


However, we quickly learned that living without hope, is not really living at all.

The Nightmare Begins

Warning- our story from here until our pregnancy can be pretty maddening, especially if you already know how we ended up getting pregnant, but if you care about the details of our story, then feel free to read on.  

A couple weeks before we closed papers on our first house, I told Judah that I thought that he should go to a doctor and have a sperm analysis done.  I had recently called our health insurance to ask them if they would cover visits to an infertility doctor.  They told me that we had to wait a year from our activation date before they would cover any visits, and even then, they would not cover medication or ART treatments (more on this later.)  I knew we didn't have the money to pay for a visit out of pocket and I was anxious at the thought of waiting almost a full year before we could find out what our problem was.  A friend who was familiar with infertility issues recommended that we go ahead and ask our family doctor to request a sperm analysis.  She said that the infertility clinic will perform this test before all others anyway since it is the easiest and quickest way to figure out which partner has the infertility problem.  Through some research we discovered that a sperm analysis would only cost us $75 and together we decided it was worth it, even just for our own peace of mind.

The test was scheduled for just a couple days before we moved, and the timing worked out great because we were too busy to anxiously wait the long week they told us it could take before the doctor would get back with our results.  They were supposed to come in by the Friday before our move, but we never heard from the doctor.  We moved on Sunday, and on Monday I finally called the doctor's office to find out what was going on.  I left a message and the nurse called me back within a few minutes.  She told me that the results were in, and that they were trying to call us for the past few days, but that they had the wrong number listed under Judah's name.  

She continued to say that she could not give me the test results over the phone and that Judah had to make an appointment to come in to see the doctor.  I pushed her a little bit, telling her that we would rather not have to pay for another Dr.'s appointment if it wasn't completely necessary, but she ensured me that it was.  When I hung up the phone I was feeling a mix between annoyance at the Dr. and anxiety about the test results.  Why wouldn't they just tell me the results on the phone?  What were they hiding?  Does this mean that the results were bad?  

I didn't know what to make of the news, but I knew I had to tell Judah.  It was his birthday and he was on his way to New Orleans with his Dad to watch the Patriots (Judah's second favorite team) play the Saints (Judah's Dad's favorite team) in the Superdome.  He had been looking forward to it ever since he got the surprise tickets at his birthday celebration the week before.  I told him what the nurse had said and asked him to please make an appointment with the doctor for first thing the next morning if possible. I didn't share with him all my concerns, and I kept telling him and myself that it was just "the way that they did things at that office."  We were both a little worried, but not enough to freak out.  

Judah went to the doctor early on Tuesday morning and he called me with the news.  The next half hour of conversation was so surreal that once I even asked myself if I was dreaming. In short, he told me that the doctor told him that while his count was very high which is good, his abnormality count was also incredibly high which was very bad.  This means that while there were a lot of sperm present in his test, so many of them were abnormal that there would be no way for them to function properly.  Basically, the doctor told Judah that we would most likely not be able to conceive a child naturally and that we should meet with an infertility specialist for more details.

We were devastated.  We still didn't know what it all meant, and I was determined to do as much research as possible, so I spent hours and hours on the internet and on the phone talking to anyone who could help me make sense of what we had just been told.  I got a copy of Judah's test and compared it to charts, and referred to it when talking to professionals, and every time I came up with the same answer- we could not have children naturally.  

I started to do research on ART treatments (ART, Assisted Reproductive Therapy. These treatments include IUI, IVF and Sperm/Egg donation, and Embryo Adoption) and everyone I spoke with told me that the only way that we would be able to have a biological child was through IVF with ICSI.  (I'm not going to go into the details of all these treatments, but you can find everything you could ever want to know online.)  I called and researched every infertility clinic within a driveable distance from my house and any of my relatives houses, and every single one told me the same thing.  There is no guarantee that you will even conceive with IVF and one try will cost you at least 12 thousand dollars.  

It was like getting kicked in the stomach over and over again.

The Many Moves of the Clark Clan

When we came back from our year in Africa we had to start our lives in America all over again, so we were incredibly grateful that my parents allowed us to stay with them while we got our feet back on the ground.  Regaining all the momentum that we had lost in our one year sabbatical was not as easy as we anticipated, and it took us a while to establish a steady groove in our home life, work life, and our finances.  Because of this, there was little talk about babies until at least a year had past after our return.  We maintained the idea that if a surprise baby were to come our way, we'd be more than thrilled, but it wasn't until we hit the one year mark that we "officially" started trying for a baby.


When we didn't get pregnant right away, I was a little disappointed, but I knew that for some people it just took a little better planning, and a little more time, so I wasn't worried.  We continued to try on and off for the next couple of years, but still nothing. I reasoned with myself that it was because our "official" efforts were so sporatic, and that it was just a matter of timing everything perfectly, but in my head, I wondered why after so long we never had a "pregnancy surprise."  I had so many friends who had "surprise babies," and most of them weren't even trying like we were. I started to get a little suspicious that there might be a problem.


Flash forward to January of 2009.  After much prayer and deliberation, Judah and I decided to move to Alabama to live near his parents.  His Dad had made him job offer to work with him in his business, and Judah had always said that he'd love to work for his Dad for a season and learn from his years of experience in business.  It was very hard to leave my family, our church family and friends, and our comfortable life in the city, but we felt that this was the best step for us and we were excited about the new adventure and the opportunity to spend more time with Judah's family.  So, we rented a U-Haul, packed it to the brim, and made the 28 hour drive from Boston to Mobile.  By this point we had become expert packers.  In only five years of marriage we had moved from Massachusetts to Africa (via a brief 6 week stint in Mississippi), to New Hampshire, back to Massachusetts, and now to Alabama.  


Moving to Alabama opened up other new and exciting opportunities for us.  Because the cost of living is so low in Alabama, we were able to build and buy our first house, watching it's construction from the ground up! I decided to go back to school so I enrolled in the University of South Alabama.  I took on a very heavy course load, and continued to study full time even through the summers so that I could get as much done as possible in the shortest amount of time.  Initially, the reason I did this was because we were still trying to get pregnant and I knew that once the baby came, I would only be able to do one or two classes a semester. I wanted to get as much in as possible before we had children.  I had no idea that I'd be able to graduate with a four year degree in two years time by doing this.  I really was just trying to cram it all in before a baby came, but in the end, it really worked out in my favor.  (It's true, that God's timing is perfect.  I graduate with my Bachelor's degree on December 18th of this year, and our baby is due on the following March 19th!   I couldn't have planned it better myself!)


The day we moved into our house was bitter sweet.  It was wonderful to know that we finally had our first home- a place that was OURS and ours alone.  We loved knowing that our money every month was going toward an investment, and that responsibility made us feel like "real adults."  But the move into our first home also holds bitter memories because the day that we moved in was the first day that we felt the tangible emptiness in our home.  It was evident right away.  At first I thought it was just me who noticed how oddly quiet it was, and who felt a nagging feeling in my heart that something was missing.  But sitting amongst our cardboard boxes and all the other moving mayhem Judah turned to me and voiced my thoughts exactly. "It's too empty in here!  We need some kids so we can fill it up!"


Two days later all of our dreams of family came crashing down when we received the results of our first fertility test. 

What Tsidesang Showed Us

The following story is among my top favorite Judah stories.  The reason why I like it so much is because this was the moment when I first realized that Judah was ready for fatherhood.


In the orphanage there was a set of twin boys named Tsidesang and Tsedeso.  They came to Baby Haven at about four months old and stayed there until about 18 months old, when they were adopted by an amazing family in the Netherlands.  Even though they were twins, these two little boys could not have been more different, especially when it came to eating.


Everyone loved to feed Tsedeso.  He loved food, and gobbled down every bite like a master.  When you fed him he was so focused that he ate his food quickly and, because he didn't want loose even the smallest morsel of food, he was a relatively clean eater.  (*sidenote- I have recently been informed from Judah's mother that, as a child, Jude ate this EXACT same way.  Why am I not surprised that he loved food then as much as he loves it now?)  Whenever it was meal time I always grabbed Tsedeso first because the only thing that I had to worry about was making sure that I was providing a steady stream of food to his mouth.


Tsidesang was quite the opposite from his brother. He HATED to eat.  Every time he would even see the food bowl in front of him, he would start screaming and crying- big crocodile tears pouring down his face.  It was heartbreaking and maddening all at the same time.  The house mom's at the orphanage tried everything but eventually we were all advised that the only way that we could feed Tsidesang, while making sure that he got the nutrients he needed, was to just shove the food into his mouth- past the tears and screams.  Eventually, his little mouth would fill with food and he'd be forced to swallow.  Tsidesang also had what seemed to be a permanent head cold, and as a result, his nose was always full and runny.  This compounded the matter because now we had to worry about making sure that he would eat, and that he didn't suffocate in the process.


Really, though, the biggest problem with feeding Tsidesang was that he had probably the most sensitive gag reflux of any baby that I have ever seen or heard of (due, in part, to his constant congestion).  It was inevitable that no matter who was feeding him, or how patient they were, half of his meal would almost always come right back out.  And we're not talking little, nice, compact, baby puke.  We're talking angry, histerical baby, projectile vomit.  This fact, coupled with the heartbreaking experience of trying to force feed a crying baby, kept me from volunteering to feed Tsidesang.


However, there were two orphanage workers who could always manage to successfully feed Tsidesang. One of them was the house mom who worked the evening shift, and the other, was Judah.  I don't know why Tsidesang ate better for them, but my best guess is that their patience was a comfort to him.  Judah would take upwards of an hour feeding that little boy, never getting impatient, and cheering him along the whole way.  It was precious.


But that's only half of the story.


One day, after feeding our "designated baby" lunch and putting them to down for a nap, a friend and I were chatting over tea.  Judah was sitting on the floor, still patiently trying to feed Tsidesang, who was slowly and torturously making his way through lunch.  My friend and I were chatting, paying no attention to the fussy baby and patient caregiver in the corner of the room.  All of a sudden, I hear Judah quietly consoling Tsidesang and saying "It's okay buddy, you're okay..."  I look over to find Judah and Tsidesang both completely covered in vomit.  My friend and I jumped up immediately to help but by that point Judah had been sitting in Tsidesang's vomit for at least two or three minutes.  Afterwards I asked Judah why he didn't freak out or say anything to us.  I knew that if it had been me, I would have yelled for help immediately, desperate to get the baby vomit off of my body.  I couldn't understand Judah's reaction.  He simply turned to me and said "He was so upset after he threw up and I felt so bad for him.  I was just trying to comfort him."


It was at that moment that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Judah was ready for fatherhood.

        *Judah feeding (and cheering on) Tsidesang, and me feeding Lydia. 

What Baby Khosi Taught Me

We always knew we wanted kids, but even on our wedding day (October 2003) we debated on what would be the "perfect" timing for our little one to arrive.  We got married so young that we knew that we wanted to spend some time together first- just the two of us, but while Judah told everyone that we would start a family "in about five years," I maintained my strong opinion that a baby should come at around 8 years- and even 10 would be okay.  It wasn't that I didn't WANT kids, it was just that we were so young, and Judah and I had so much fun together!  I was enjoying every minute alone with him.


It wasn't until we moved to Africa in 2006 that I began to feel the twinge of maternal hormones begin to kick in.  Below is a copy of a blog that I wrote sharing with our friends back home of my first thoughts on motherhood.

"I have an announcement to make:

Recently I have been thinking favorably about having children.  I know, I know... those of you who know me closely are reading this again to make sure you read it right.  Yes, you read right.  Although I am not about to dispose of my contraceptive method just yet, I will say that my mind has been bent in such a way I can not explain.

Children... hmmm....

I just realized that the reason I was so opposed to having children in this decade was that I was selfish.  And that was it.  And there can be no selfishness in motherhood no matter when you become one....

The whole baby stage still kind of freaks me out.  I'm still afraid I might break them or something... but once we're past that I think we'd be alright..... Plus, I just know that Jude would be the most amazing Dad, and his "amazing dadness" would far surpass my motherly faults.  :) 

Plus, when Jude was a kid and the teachers used to ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up he'd say "I want to be a dad!"  (For the record, I wanted to be an astronaut.)

How can I let him down?

Okay, well all joking aside, while motherhood is still a faint light in the future for me,  it's ever growing presence, for some reason, is not quite as daunting as it used to be...."

While we were living in Africa, we worked at an orphanage named Baby Haven, which cares for babies, ages birth to two years.  After I wrote this we started to take a couple of the babies out with us when we ran errands.  It was supposed to be so the babies could have a change of scenery and get out of the orphanage, but in the end, it was really way more fun for us than it was for them.

There was one baby that Judah and I both particularly attached ourselves to.  Her name was Khotsatsana (which means Princess in Sotho.)  Khosi was abandoned in a hospital by her mother just days after her birth, and since no state orphanages will take children under the age of two, Khosi was cup fed from the hospital, lying in a cot next to TB patients for the first three months of her life.  By the time she came to Baby Haven at three months old, she had only gained one pound since birth, and she still looked like a newborn.  She got the hang of the bottle VERY quickly, and eagerly made up for the lost time.  


I remember the first time we took Khosi out to the mall with us.  Judah was walking around with her in the snuggly, and I smiled to myself when I noticed how natural he seemed carrying her around like that.  When we stopped for dinner we had to take turns feeding her in between bites of food, and I remember thinking how strange it felt to have to center our meal around a baby.  I thought I would hate it, but I didn't, and that really got me thinking.

We would have adopted Khosi in an instant if been given the chance, but a lack of finances and our status as volunteers in the country made this impossible.  I am happy to say that Khosi is now with a kind family who loves her very much.  Even though we weren't able to adopt her, we are happy to see that she went to live with a family who will treasure her for the rest of her life.  If only every orphan could have a story like Khosi's....

I still think about baby Khosi sometimes, especially when I'm feeling my motherly instincts kick in.  She was the one that first ignited my mother's heart, and for that reason I will always feel a special connection to her. 

So, wherever you are out there Khosi- thanks for letting us love you. 

 *Jude with Khosi and Me with Lydia.