The Raw Reality of Infertility

Back in December, when we first heard the news about what we thought was devastating infertility, I wrote a little essay about the way I was feeling.  I just needed a place to unleash my thoughts and really tell God exactly what I was feeling.  It ended up being very raw and real and for that reason I debated if I was going to share it with you at all.  But in the end, I decided to share it because I think that it's important for people to understand how devastating infertility can be.  


Because infertility is generally such a personal thing, and most people understandably choose not to share their story with the world, I think there can often be a lack of knowledge which can sometimes result in an insensitivity toward infertile couples.  CDC statistics show that up to twelve percent of couples in the United States struggle with infertility problems.  That's about 7.3 million couples, which is surprisingly more than most people realize.  Chances are, someone you know, or possibly someone you are close to is struggling with this right now.  Maybe my essay can help you better understand what they might be going through. 

I've been avoiding this essay like the plague for some time now. I don't want to write it. It's heart breaking to think about. We just found out that there is a good chance we won't be able to have kids-- at least without medical intervention. It's not me, it's my husband. Not that that matters one single bit. It could have just as easily been me. 

But there it is. The ugly fact- staring blankly at me on the screen- in hideous black and white. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be the one who would care so much either. I was always the one who said I would adopt all my babies. But now- at 27, almost 28 years old... it matters.

I want to see my reflection in my child. And to see my husband in their little face. I want to say "oh- you did that just like your father", or "wow, you look so much like your grandmother." But there is no guarantee of this.... Regardless of the possibility that medical science opens to us, there is no guarantee. I know that I have to let this go.

Infertility is an ugly black monster that lives in your house. It's the black hole of sadness that sucks joy out of your home in the moments when you aren't aware. It's the silence in the middle of the night- the heartbreaking silence. And it's the unspoken deep, deep turmoil that you can see in your spouses eyes- every second of every day... even when your laughing. It's still there.

It's the thing that steals your hope every month. Over and over and over again- until there is no more hope- and you become afraid to hope. Afraid to dream. And the worst part of it all is the heart-wrenching loneliness.....

I had to stop for a moment when I wrote that because I was trying to search for a better word to describe the loneliness infertility brings. There are no words to describe the depth of it. It's just.... so... empty.

The worst part about infertility is that no one can understand what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. No one. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to see all my friends and family members get pregnant at the drop of a hat- the first time they try! And they're so excited- and deep inside I am excited for them- I wouldn't wish this fate on my greatest enemy. But on the surface- it stings to see families grow, to smell the precious scent of a friend's newborn baby, and listen to stories of finger paint on the wall, and of sunny days in the park.

It stings because I don't understand why our family can't grow too? Why not us? God, why? What's wrong with us? Why can't I have finger painted walls and sunny days in the park?

I know anyone reading this who has any clue about infertility would tell us "you can adopt!" or "you can do IVF or try an IUI!" Or, the more "christianeese" answer would be "God can do a miracle!"

Sure. These are true. But my answer to all of the above is that it's NOT that easy. All of the above require a long list of hoops to jump through before we even get the possibility any results. And that's not a guarantee. We need money- and lots of it- to do any of these things. But it doesn't take money to get pregnant naturally.  It doesn't take months of painful injections and hormone treatments.  It doesn't take legal paperwork. It doesn't take months of waiting to find out if a birth mother will change her mind and come and take your baby away...

And as far as the "miracle" comment. I do know that God COULD do a miracle. I do know that. After all, He's God. But I can't help feeling like He left me. Like He doesn't see me. Like He doesn't see my tears. Even thought I know it's not true, I can't help feeling... alone..

Please, God. Look at us! See us! HELP! Daddy... please....