A Song For Our Baby

Way back, sometime around 2007 when we first started trying for a child, I wrote this phrase in a creative writing class about me and my future child.

"I see you close, yet so far away like we're touching hands through a foggy haze."

I had no idea then how true this would prove to be in my life in the years to come.  One night I was sitting in the living room, thinking and praying about this situation and I started to cry.  I pulled out this phrase from so many years ago, and used it as a chorus in a song.  It just felt so appropriate.  I continued to write, and let my feelings and tears pore on the page. This is what came of it:

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You were, in my dreams last,

Like a butterfly on first flight,

You came to me, sang to me sweetly.

And I saw, in your fragile hand,

A thorny rose, I could not understand,

The bitter sweet, beautiful tragedy.

And I see you close,

Yet so far away,

Like we’re touching hands,

Through a foggy haze,

Know that I’ll flight for you,

If it’s all I can do.

Sunlight, streaming on my face,

I’m in your room, in the empty place,

Where you should be, lying beside me.

Silence, as the moments pass by,

But I hear your voice, in the halls of my mind,

I know that you’re out there, waiting somewhere.


And I see you close,
Yet so far away,

Like we’re touching hands,

Through a foggy haze,

Know that I’ll flight for you,

If it’s all I can do.

One thing that really struck me during our whole journey was that I knew that we needed to fight for our future children.  I knew that if we sat back, and didn't keep researching, didn't keep asking questions, didn't keep pushing, that years would pass and we would still be alone.  We had the choice- fight or flight.  We decided that we would fight.  

I have learned through this process that God often allows struggles in our lives so that He can mold us and grow us through that fight- like a butterfly struggling to make his way out of his cocoon.  It's never easy, and unfortunately there are so many "name it and claim it" Christians out there who are preaching that once you come to Christ that "chocolate covered rain drops will just come falling out of the sky" on them.  In truth, that's not the Christianity that Jesus taught at all. He didn't call us to religion- to a list of "do's and dont's" or to follow a system of "if you do this, then this will happen."  He calls us to be "Christ LIKE."  If you ask me, this is NO easy task.

But the best part about choosing to be a disciple of Christ is that you know that you are never alone.  And even when you might feel that God is SO far away- He's not.  In fact, the Bible says that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:18)  I am not going to lie.  I had to remind myself of this fact on many occasions.  It's easy to feel alone when you are battling with something that feels so huge.  If you find yourself in a situation where you feel overwhelmed by a mountain that is too large to cross, my best advice to you is take a deep breath.  Gather your courage.  And fight. And remember that no matter how you feel you are never alone.

Two weeks and three days after I wrote this song, a tiny pink line signaled to us that this long fought battle was finally over.