Our Diary: What Baby Khosi Taught Me

We always knew we wanted kids, but even on our wedding day (October 2003) we debated on what would be the "perfect" timing for our little one to arrive. We got married so young that we knew that we wanted to spend some time together first- just the two of us, but while Judah told everyone that we would start a family "in about five years," I maintained my strong opinion that a baby should come at around 8 years- and even 10 would be okay. It wasn't that I didn't WANT kids, it was just that we were so young, and Judah and I had so much fun together! I was enjoying every minute alone with him.

It wasn't until we moved to Africa in 2006 that I began to feel the twinge of maternal hormones begin to kick in. Below is a copy of a blog that I wrote sharing with our friends back home of my first thoughts on motherhood.

"I have an announcement to make:

Recently I have been thinking favorably about having children. I know, I know... those of you who know me closely are reading this again to make sure you read it right. Yes, you read right. Although I am not about to dispose of my contraceptive method just yet, I will say that my mind has been bent in such a way I can not explain.

Children... hmmm....

I just realized that the reason I was so opposed to having children in this decade was that I was selfish. And that was it. And there can be no selfishness in motherhood no matter when you become one....

The whole baby stage still kind of freaks me out. I'm still afraid I might break them or something... but once we're past that I think we'd be alright..... Plus, I just know that Jude would be the most amazing Dad, and his "amazing dadness" would far surpass my motherly faults. :)

Plus, when Jude was a kid and the teachers used to ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up he'd say "I want to be a dad!" (For the record, I wanted to be an astronaut.)

How can I let him down?

Okay, well all joking aside, while motherhood is still a faint light in the future for me, it's ever growing presence, for some reason, is not quite as daunting as it used to be...."

While we were living in Africa, we worked at an orphanage named Baby Haven, which cares for babies, ages birth to two years. After I wrote this we started to take a couple of the babies out with us when we ran errands. It was supposed to be so the babies could have a change of scenery and get out of the orphanage, but in the end, it was really way more fun for us than it was for them.

There was one baby that Judah and I both particularly attached ourselves to. Her name was Khotsatsana (which means Princess in Sotho.) Khosi was abandoned in a hospital by her mother just days after her birth, and since no state orphanages will take children under the age of two, Khosi was cup fed from the hospital, lying in a cot next to TB patients for the first three months of her life. By the time she came to Baby Haven at three months old, she had only gained one pound since birth, and she still looked like a newborn. She got the hang of the bottle VERY quickly, and eagerly made up for the lost time.

I remember the first time we took Khosi out to the mall with us. Judah was walking around with her in the snuggly, and I smiled to myself when I noticed how natural he seemed carrying her around like that. When we stopped for dinner we had to take turns feeding her in between bites of food, and I remember thinking how strange it felt to have to center our meal around a baby. I thought I would hate it, but I didn't, and that really got me thinking.

We would have adopted Khosi in an instant if been given the chance, but a lack of finances and our status as volunteers in the country made this impossible. I am happy to say that Khosi is now with a kind family who loves her very much. Even though we weren't able to adopt her, we are happy to see that she went to live with a family who will treasure her for the rest of her life. If only every orphan could have a story like Khosi's....

I still think about baby Khosi sometimes, especially when I'm feeling my motherly instincts kick in. She was the one that first ignited my mother's heart, and for that reason I will always feel a special connection to her.

So, wherever you are out there Khosi- thanks for letting us love you.